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Men don't talk to each other about sex like women do, and it's a shame they don't. Because women, when asked about sexual technique, will describe in great detail their personal experience. They will act it out, moving the pillows around to get their hips just right, or hang their heads off the bed in wild (yet orchestrated) abandon to the applause of their entire recipe club invariably "on that subject" again. Women will demonstrate on vegetables; women will demonstrate on each other. And you can be sure that they bring what they've learned back into the bedroom. Otherwise, how could Cosmo have survived this long?

I can't be certain men don't give each other pointers. But if the good ones did share their know-how, why have we gritted our teeth and bit our lips through such crappy cunnilingus? The most dastardly thing of all, is that the worst oral sex is usually accompanied by an arrogance that would make Howard Stern look modest: "Come on baby, I'm going to make you feel soooo gooooooood..."

Well, if you're friends won't tell you, I will. Go South young man, and when you return, be sure to report from the front lines. Please god(dess), don't keep it to yourself.

Oral sex is wildly different for each person, so in preparation for delivering this cunnilingus primer, we hashed it out in our Ho in the Know forum. Thanks to all who posted: you'll see your personal wisdom throughout this cheat sheet. Just remember, if I sound contradictory it only means that there is more than one way to do things down there, and if a certain technique isn't doing it for you or your partner, by all means move on to something else. In any case, following these ten pointers should help you get on the right track--with your mind and your mouth.

Learn the female anatomy. Don't be embarrassed, Louisa didn't know which parts were where and she's a girl even. Study and remember: the clitoris, the vulva, the labia, the vaginal opening and the anus. Memorize them, you'll be using these parts later--individually and as a group. We're aiming beyond proficiency here, so you're going to have to be willing to make an effort to get acquainted with all these parts, including the most important part of all, your partner's brain.

Ask for direction. We know it's hardest to talk about sex with the person you're

under the covers with. When I have to confront some sex issue with my boyfriend, my head is usually buried in a pillow, or my eyes are squinched tight so I don't have to look at him while I'm saying the horrible words about what he could be doing different or what I could be doing better. It's humiliating--sometimes I even have to write it down and pass him the note. But no matter what your method, communication is absolutely necessary if you want to please your partner orally. Going through session after session of unsatisfying lovemaking is just plain damaging--it breeds frustration and resentment. So... next time you're down there, come up for air and ask your partner if she likes what you're doing. Change it up and ask her if that feels better, or, if you don't want to be that wordy, say something like, "how's that feel?" And girls, now that you've got him where you want him, don't you dare abandon him on a limb. Answer him. If he asks what to do and is being patient with your courteous direction, then you are just as responsible for your orgasm as he is. Bonus: Talking about sex while you're having it can be a major turn-on. Don't be afraid to say the dirty words, you can be good again when it's over.

Make friends with the clitoris. This isn't as easy as it sounds, because you can't get to step 3 without making valiant efforts at steps 1 & 2. Figure out where the damn thing is, and then learn how to pay attention to it. The clitoris is a very sensitive area and sometimes harder is better and sometimes softer. Sometimes faster will do the trick, sometimes slower. And you can bet that something that works wonders one day might not work at all the next. Men, think of the clitoris as a smaller, more delicate penis, and treat it with the respect you would treat your own member. As a general rule, don't be rough unless your lover asks for it, and even then go easy. Rough can be painful down there, and once in pain, it's hard to salvage the mood at any cost.

Use your fingers, too. Fingers and tongue are a winning combination. For some women, it's the labia and the entrance to the vagina that are the most sensitive, so try focusing your efforts there, while continuing to apply pressure with your tongue. If your partner is on her back and you slide your finger all the way in shallow and curl it upwards, you may be able to reach the famed "g-spot" on the inside of her vagina, directly behind the pubis. But be careful you don't start off too hard because that's a very delicate area as well. Also remember, your fingers can do wonders on other parts of her body: use them to caress her thighs, her sides, her buttocks, her underarms, etc.

Don't stop completely. Changing up your method and execution is fine and even desirable until you find the magic movement and then the more repetitive the better. When she says, "right there, don't stop," Don't stop. If it's been going on awhile and you're losing hope, just put yourself in her shoes: you're getting a nice, long blowjob and you're just about to come when your partner takes her mouth off your member and forays into the kitchen to prepare a snack. That's no way for anyone to behave. When you know she's close, don't change a thing: it kills the momentum. Or... stop completely for a minute. This is one area where there is a difference of opinion: for some women, the opposite is true. So, if it seems she's been in the same agitated state for awhile without progressing, you might want to come up for some kissing, but then for goodness sake, get back down there and finish the job! Here would be a perfect place to add that the orgasm doesn't have to be the end all be all of good oral sex. Sometimes it just isn't going to happen, period, but that shouldn't stop you from performing the task with quality.

Stay comfortable. This is another very important rule, because the minute you get a crick in your neck or your legs fall asleep from knees dangling on the floor, it's possible you'll want to give up before the fireworks. Make sure she's in a comfy position and then get yourself set up too. If you have to change it around to stay relaxed, do so; get a pillow or have her move to a chair that you can access while sitting on the floor. Get in the 69 position and take turns on top. Have some tissue or a paper towel with you in case she gets too wet for you to apply adequate friction. If your tongue gets tired, take a break and continue to stimulate her with your hands (or even chin) until you can carry on.

Learn some tongue techniques. The late comedian Sam Kinneson used to do this sketch were a man performing oral sex on his girlfriend made each letter of the alphabet with his tongue, A-Z until the finale. All techniques are going to be highly subjective, of course, but I'll share some of the favorites that were posted in the forum. Use them alone and in conjunction to soup up a tired repertoire.

flick the clitoris with the tongue
suck the clit (but not too hard) both with teeth open and teeth closed
experiment with tongue surface: the closer to orgasm, the wider the better
make small, light circles with the tongue
use a tongue stud
use an iced tongue stud
quick, short licks (not long licking like you do to an ice cream cone)
use the tongue elsewhere: on the labia, around and in the vaginal and anal openings

Focus on her responses. Great sex requires verbal communication, but a certain degree of intuition and connection to the act will take the experience up another notch. On the boards, men were concerned that they knew for real their partners were reaching orgasm. Moaning and heavy breathing could mean you're on the right track, but those can be easily faked. It's harder to misinterpret the physical signs, especially if you are focused and present in the moment. Remind yourself to feel sexy about what you're doing, and get into the noises she is making and the way the pleasure makes her move her body and act on these deviations. Most women experience a number of tiny vaginal contractions before they actually come (which is often accompanied by a whopper contraction) and you can feel these for yourself if you pay attention.

Take your time down there. Even though it has been determined that on average it takes 17 whole minutes of direct clitoral stimulation for a woman to reach orgasm, most men don't spend nearly enough time on cunnilingus to achieve the results they are looking for. And all to frequently, women let them off the hook because they feel like they are taking too long. Look at the clock some time, and be patient. Some women come in five minutes, some come in 45 minutes, but if you want to be a satisfying lover it is your responsibility to stick it out for the long haul. Just think, you may never be able to last for 45 minutes of direct intercourse, but you can emerge a victorious sex god after a lengthy cunnilingus session that ends with a bang. If you balk at that direction, revisit # 8 and learn how to get yourself off on the time you're spending between your partner's legs. Girls, help him stay present by being responsive and generous with your own touches and caresses while he's going down on you.

Trust is a turn-on. There are many levels of trust when it comes to oral sex, the first being that your partner is proven free of HIV and all other STDs and/or you are practicing safe sex with plastic wrap or a dental dam. Next, you have to trust each other to be honest and communicative about the sensations you are experiencing during oral sex. Think of it as an exploration. You must be comfortable with constructive criticism, and not get your feelings hurt if at times orgasm just doesn't happen. It is essential to hold up the unspoken pact of intimacy entered into the minute your mouth hits the muff--be sensitive to your partner, and allow her to tell you what she wants without judgment and without getting defensive. If she ever wants you to stop, or tells you that what you are doing is painful, trust her that she's telling you the truth, and stop. Girls, keep yourself fresh down there, and let your partner tell you what you can do to make oral sex more enjoyable for him without judgment and without getting defensive. Navigating the two-way street of intimacy and vulnerability that goes along with oral sex will make you both feel like kings of the road.

by Lynne Livingstone
http://www.smileandactnice.com/